A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
whose parrot is this?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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