I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
