WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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