dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
