Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
