apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
