In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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