Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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