I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
