if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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