**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
