Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
