Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
