i barfeds in our rink
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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