Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
