I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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