get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
