I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
