I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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