we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
