She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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