Need sex. Gaining weight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize