You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
