he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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