Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
