Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dick very happy bro
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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