i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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