I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just want to make out with him forever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
