he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
