I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize