The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
