If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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