Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
