I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
