literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
