I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
