Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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