At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
