I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
