I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
