I wish you could order shots online.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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