I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
