so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
