Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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