We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
that's an acceptable place to lick
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
