New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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