I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
