i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
