Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
