I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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