i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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