New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i've created a new STD.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
