Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
