Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
