Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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