You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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