i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
