im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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